13 February, 2013

When Potato Salad Goes Bad or Tater's Law

The Daily Breather is no mathematician but one would think that the basic laws of probability should be pretty equal across the board.  This can easily be tested with the probability of flipping a coin or the probability of rolling snake eyes on a pair of dice. Both of these are just as boring as the math itself.  Where’s the risk? Where’s the reward? Where’s the potato salad?  More importantly, where is the good potato salad? 
You too might be asking yourself this very same question when you come upon a poorly planned banquet table from time to time.  What makes it poorly planned?  Well, four different people brought a pan of potato salad. Now that’s some poor planning if you ask me.  It’s not a total loss though because I love a good potato salad.  Conversely, I got no time or patience for poorly prepared potato salad (It’s times like these that I wish I could find a synonym for salad that begins with P). 
Enter the law of probability.  Of the four pans of potato salad what are the chances that I’ll choose the one that tastes like ass?  You would think my chances are 1 in 4 right?  Well, I’m here to tell you that potato salad is the great negater in said law.  Now it might just be poor choices that I’ve made throughout my life (in choosing potato salad that is) but I believe that I am on the losing side of probability when choosing a choice potato salad when more than three options are set before me. 
How can I overcome this?  I don’t want to be that guy who has to give each potato salad the sniff test.  That doesn’t look right. And I shouldn’t take four helpings of potato salad and try them all, although, I believe four servings is the USDA recommended amount of potato salad that each American should be consuming.  That might be outdated data though. That was info taken from a 5th grade science fair project I did.  It’s probably higher now.
Until I can find the perfect way to identify the proper potato salad I’ll be that guy sitting in a folding chair with a plate of food on my lap making a sour milk face.  Who brought this horrible potato salad? 

09 March, 2012


Just thought I'd pop in here to post a link to a much better blogger than myself. 
I've gone through some peaks and valleys of life and no matter how smart I think I am I'm always reminded of just how dumb the Breather is when is comes to women folk.  And to make matters worse I feel even dumber when I feel I can act in her best interest instead of just stopping and listening to what her interests are in the first place.  And yes, I feel even even dumber when she tells me that her interests are so much simpler than I thought.  Why am I so dumb?
That's a rhetorical question. No need for answer.  I probably won't listen to it anyway.

So, in honor of International Women's Day I'd like to stop talking for a minute and listen to someone who just might have a better idea of what women's interests actually are.  And no, that person is not me as much as I do love to hear myself talk.

I hope you enjoy this blog as much as I do. 

29 February, 2012

Happy Leap Day: To "All Yearning Females"

Happy Leap Day!
You can do anything today because nothing matters on Leap Day!  
Man can bite dog. Jet packs can be had by all. 
Donuts can rain from the sky today (Mmmm...donuts)
even women folk can propose to men on this day (because nothing really matters)
It's Leap Day and on this day traditionally, women can propose to men
It was considered that as the day also had no legal status, it was reasonable to assume that tradition had no status, so women took advantage of this and proposed to the man they wanted to marry.

A 2 minute Google search gives us this history of Leap Day:

This tradition goes back to an old Irish legend concerning St. Patrick and St. Bridget in the 5th Century.  You know St. Bridget. She runs the catholic church in Canton that was used as the southeast district precinct in the Wire.  Ya know? Where the had the wire up on Frank Sobatka?
Anyway, St. Bridget petitioned St. Patrick on behalf of all yearning females in that they have a more active role in choosing their husbands. As a result of this request, women were allowed to propose to men once every four years. 
So there ya have it.  Thank you Google and thank you St. Bridget.  

Happy Leap Day everybody!

16 February, 2012

Santorum Pleads to DHS: Increase the Suck Protection!

Increase the Suck Protection!
Published February 16, 2012

Republican presidential contender Rick Santorum's campaign wrote a letter to the Department of Homeland Security Wednesday requesting Secret Service protection, Fox News confirms.

Santorum sought protection following a rowdy rally in Washington state earlier in the week.

Santorum says it's "a sad state of affairs" that suck protection is necessary, especially after he spent several weeks campaigning in a supporter's pickup truck. However, he said the protection would be for his family's sake.
Santorum hosted an outdoor rally adjacent to the campsite of Tacoma, Wash., Occupy protesters Monday night. They chanted and yelled during most of the event. Two protesters were dragged away by police.
Reflecting on the experience after another campaign stop Tuesday night, Santorum says it's unfortunate that some people "can get a little rowdy and sometimes a little violent."
Currently, the only GOP contender with Secret Service protection is Mitt Romney.

HA!  I had to get on the lulz before Faux News came in and corrected their Santorum sized gaffe.

09 February, 2012

Super Kush Botanical Potpourri Review: Harshin' My Mello!

Dude!  Yer harshin’ my mellow, man. 
Dude! Aw dude! I’m gonna hurl!”

That was the conversation I had with my toilet last night after a rather painful session with Super Kush.  Don’t get this name twisted with the actual Super Kush: 2 time winner of the High Times Cannabis Cup.  That stuff is illegal and I don’t smoke illegal drugs.  Ya hear that kids? Stay in school and stay off drugs.
No, this Super Kush is the “botanical potpourri” that’s used as incense or to smoke like real weed and get your mellow on. 

Now your first question might be: “Why buy this crap when you can score a quality bag of the real stuff just as easily?”  My answer: “Shut it!”

I’ve been a naysayer of this product for a while now but every time I’m in my local head shop buying my loose rolling tobacco (no, really, I go there for the Norwegian Shag…really) I’m always waiting behind someone buying all sorts of legal weeds, I mean botanical potpourri.  So I figured I’d give it a try.  Why not?  I’ve been known to do some pretty dumb things in my day and just because I’m getting older doesn’t mean I should stop doing dumb things.  Right? 

So I get it home, fire it up and get some synthetic high that I can only imagine is kinda like what smoking illegal cannabis would be like.  If I ever smoked illegal drugs, that is.
I remember waking up a bit groggy in the morning and feeling like I was huffing spray paint the night before.  Not like I know what that's like, I’m just saying that for creative expression.  Ya know?

Day two I get home and remember that I have this Super Kush and decide to take a small hit but not to smoke any before bed so as to not wake up and feel like I was huffing spray paint.  Good call.  The learning curve is shaping up nicely with this botanical potpourri.

 Dude!  Yer harshin’ my mellow, man. 
 Dude! Aw dude! I’m gonna hurl!”

The next hour was spent in the bathroom clutching my toilet and violently yarfing up whatever my system could find to throw out of me.  We’re talking a serious reaction to some potent toxin.  It was chunderdome and I was pitted against the porcelain.  Odds were not in my favor but I did think I could have ripped that toilet out of the floor I was grappling with it so hard. 
This was not just a case of my body rejecting a substance and throwing it up.  No, this was a 9 round fight and I couldn’t sit in any position other then on my knees clutching this damn toilet.  Any other movement sent the world into hurling spins.  After a pillow was thrown down for me I just laid in the fetal position in my bathroom as all the color flushed from my face and I prayed for a quick and painless death. 
Another hour or 2 would pass before I was able to feel normal again. Jaysus! What just happened to me?  
Too bad, really.  The buzz was kinda interesting while it lasted.  There was a serious downside though.  
But hey, at least I didn't wake up this morning with silver lips. 

14 November, 2011

Movember Day 14: Ned Flanders Porn Stach

Man, this month is getting ugly.  At least this is for a good cause because the brostache is starting to take on a life of its own.  I'm not sure just how much longer I will be able to control it.  Not only is it making it harder for me to smooch pretty ladies but it is also making me feel like I want to fix things around the house.  Other times it makes me feel like that cop who pulls you over and searches your car just to be a dick. And to make matters even worse it's coming in ginger!  Who knows what evil it has in store for mankind.
Please help me.  Donate to the Movember mustache fund before it's too late.  
So far my team has raised nearly $1,500 for Livestrong and the Prostate Cancer Foundation.  Go team Bohvember!  You too can help out.  Just g'head and click on the link below to make a simple donation today.  Please!  Help me feed the mustache.  I'm not sure how much longer I can control it. 
Mobro-Jamie Schott
Big thanks to those who have already contributed.  Your donation means a lot and if the stache does decide to attack then you will probably be spared.  I can't make any promises though.



09 November, 2011

Support the Stache! Donate to Movember Today

Aw man!  Day 9 and the pedo bear mustache is growing in like like a facial weed. 
Here's a glimpse of Day 6.
Sorry, I have a rare gene that's passed on the x chromosome in my family  that prevents me from taking a normal picture.  I always look like a jackass.  Now I'm a jackass with a snazzy mustache coming in.

So hey!  If you haven't done it yet  please consider making a small donation to the Movember Foundation.  Proceeds benefit  Livestrong and the Prostate Cancer Foundation.

The Movember Foundation uses the money raised to fund two programs: an awareness and education program that significantly increases the understanding and reduces the stigmas of the health risks that men face, and Movember’s Global Action Plan that accelerates key outcomes in prostate cancer research by facilitating global research collaboration projects.

Here's how you can support this particular brostache and help me live with the fact that I'm looking more and more like a child molester for every day that I have this porn-stache growing under my schnoz. 
Mobro- Jamie Schott

08 November, 2011

Hon is Free for You and Me!

Hey Hon!  Have ya heard?  Hon is a free word again!  Woopie!  We can say Hon as much as we want and not have to worry about weather or not we're making a mockery of the Hon lady. 
So word on the street is that Gordon Ramsey brought his cameras to Cafe Hon for a PR blitz.  No? He was filming a tv show?  Oh.  Maybe that happened too.  The only time I passed by was late at night and all the windows were blacked out in the cafe and there was what looked like a tv producer's lackey standing out front with a wire in his ear like he was the lookout guy.  Add some black Escalades and you'd think Sheila Dixon was up in there. 
     So what happened?  Was there an episode being made?  Was her kitchen a nightmare?  No, Whiting was the nightmare.  In fact Ramsey went on the praise the loyal staff and only made minor tweaks to the menu and actually admired many of the comfort foods even if they had become a bit stale.
Was this all a PR stunt?  Meh. Probably.  Whatever it was it needed to happen and I, for one, am glad that somebody stepped in to talk some sense into this whole matter.
     Sure, it was easy to hate on Whiting for trademarking our Hon.  And it was easy for her to detract the protesters and naysayers and tell the world that they just don't understand what she is trying to do. She was trying to save Hon but just went about it the wrong way.  It's too bad that she saw a 25% drop in her business over the last year and too bad that she didn't realize sooner that this really does matter to us.  Nobody owns Hon.  Now everybody owns Hon again and we know it. 
     What started out as controversy may end in a stronger and more celebrated Hon. A Hon that we will protect and cherish. I think that is what Whiting wanted all along but her business practices may have sent this in the wrong direction.  
     Ya know, folks.  It takes courage to tell the world that you are sorry and that you are responsible for the problems that have been caused.  It also takes courage to relinquish the vision which you worked so hard to make good and to realize that you were hurting people when all you really wanted to do was help them.
     When Denise Whiting gave up the trademark for Hon she took that courageous step in apologizing to Baltimore and as good people in this fine city when someone apologizes we forgive them.  


07 November, 2011

Movember Day 7: Dear Gawd! It's Fuzzy

Well today started off on the right foot. I was waiting at the bus stop on Eastern and Dundalk Ave. and listening to the local eastbound Raven's fans heckling the westbound Steeler fans at the bus stop.  Lotta people have an extra pep in their step on the day after a win over the Steelers.  I'm sure a few folks in the Pitts have a case of the Mondays today.
But back to matters at hand.  It's Day 7 of Movember and this here brostache is taking shape.  The good the bad and the ugly is all coming together here.
The Good: Raising awareness of men's health issues and raising money to help fight prostate and testicular cancer.
The Bad: I now have to pucker my lips extra tight so that I don't scrape and stache on Opti's kisser.  She's making me smooch her delicately as to not scrape too much manliness on her.  She's still not diggin the whiskers.
The Ugly: Dude. I'm growing a mustache.  'Nuff said.

I know by the end of this I'll have a full Ron Burgundy rockin out right under my nose.

04 November, 2011

Movember: Day 4. She's Not Diggin' the Idea

Movember is underway and the stache is set in motion but there is one thing that I didn't think about in the planning of this: the mustache itself and what Opti will think about it.  Sure it sounded like a fun way to raise awareness in a playful kinda way but when I told her that I'm all in she had one response. NO!!!!!
She hates mustaches and can't even picture me with one.  Everything about a stache is creepy and uncomfortable to her. It's like kissing a caterpillar.  But it's for a good cause.  Manly men grow a mustache in the month of November to raise awareness of men's health issues such as prostate and testicular cancer. This is where she is tortured even more.  She can't just deny me and ask me to shave it because it's for charity.  It's for a good cause.  Consider the cajones. You like testicles, don't you? And a handsome man ass?  "Damn you!" she says.  "It's not fair! I'm gonn have to live with pedo bear for a month".  A mustache does have a certain porn star/child molester creepy feel to it. And herein lies the love/hate duality on Movember.
Ya know, when I went all in on the brostache I didn't realize the many opportunities I would have to taunt and tease Opti. Now she is looking for a support group to help cope with the trauma that a mustache may create in our world.  It's for a good cause though.  Sport the stache for nut sacks and butt cracks.