Anonymous in MD. ...
I watched Jarhead today, its a movie about a marine sniper in the first gulf war. After watching it I realized my hands were aching for the soft curves of a rifle, the weight of a 9mm pistol wasn't at my side. A part of me wants to go back to Iraq to... to be alive again. In the war I was as close to God as anybody could be and I hated every minute of it when I was there, now I wish I were back there. In that dusty dessert I became a beast, a being of hate and power, I could have been death incarnate, I was for some people. In the first three months I was in Iraq I killed and committed atrocities that you only see in movies. After I saw what I had done I told myself I would never take another life again, and I've done good so far. but I carry around a knife everywhere I go and sometimes I pray someone will start something so that I can let the beast out again. I fear that I will hurt people I love, that's why I don't go out and spend alot of time around people, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I think I need help in controlling this. They trained me, institutionalized me and now I am partly reprogrammed. The nightmares are starting up again and this time I don't fear them but look forward to them.
The questions have been painstakingly researched. The answers, however, have not.
2 comments:
Go get the help that you know you need, do not wait until something happens that you will regret for the rest of your life. I too am a combat veteran of the first gulf war and diagnosed with PTSD. I understand about the anger, power and lust for control. It will not get any better without getting help. Check out my blog:
http://ptsdasoldiersperspective.blogspot.com/
Please call us at the National Veterans Foundation. We are staffed with veterans from Vietnam to Iraq. We are here to help with anything from VA forms, referrals to just chatting.
We know. We have been there.
888-777-4443
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