Iraq Veteran PTSD. Or Maybe He's Just Fine.

Anonymous in MD. ...

I watched Jarhead today, its a movie about a marine sniper in the first gulf war. After watching it I realized my hands were aching for the soft curves of a rifle, the weight of a 9mm pistol wasn't at my side. A part of me wants to go back to Iraq to... to be alive again. In the war I was as close to God as anybody could be and I hated every minute of it when I was there, now I wish I were back there. In that dusty dessert I became a beast, a being of hate and power, I could have been death incarnate, I was for some people. In the first three months I was in Iraq I killed and committed atrocities that you only see in movies. After I saw what I had done I told myself I would never take another life again, and I've done good so far. but I carry around a knife everywhere I go and sometimes I pray someone will start something so that I can let the beast out again. I fear that I will hurt people I love, that's why I don't go out and spend alot of time around people, I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I think I need help in controlling this. They trained me, institutionalized me and now I am partly reprogrammed. The nightmares are starting up again and this time I don't fear them but look forward to them.