I Know You’re Out There Somewhere.

11/6/05.
I was living in Port Deposit, MD at this time. You were living in Madison, WI. It had been 3 years since I saw you last. You came to visit for a while when I moved to Waldorf, MD with my then girlfriend.

Before I moved out to MD we were the duo. Inseparable.

Maybe I made some bad decisions along the way. Maybe I followed the wrong person and ended up leaving my family and friends for a new life. The silver lining from all of that was that I am now in Maryland and the rest of my family is as well and doing better for it.

But even in my bad decisions you supported me. It seemed that you were the only one and that’s why you got the invite to visit me in Maryland.

At the time I wish you hadn’t come out. Since moving to Maryland I had become a shell of the man that you once knew. I had given up on pursuing life for myself and was resigned to live in what was to be my new family life.

You had an open invitation to stay as long as you wanted but did not last three weeks. You had to get out and desperately tried to take me with you but I couldn’t get up. Later you would move to Madison with your mother.

I thought you would shine in your new environment. A chemistry wiz without a college degree, you taught PhD candidates how to do their jobs and for that they took your notes and fired you.

Everyone wanted to know what you knew. Everyone wanted to stand next to you and call you their friend. All you wanted was a few true souls and someone who you could share a life with. When I finally broke from my slump and got out on my own I wanted to contact you and tell you the good news.  I was free.  Alive and well.  I wrote you a birthday card in June that never got sent.  That's a regret that I will always hold close to me.

When I got the call on November 6th and learned that you had taken your own life I didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to believe it was a prank call. It was real. You took your life away from all of us and moved on to the world that would better suit you.

You had one of the most beautiful minds ever created but it was made for the wrong world. I hope you have found that world that you were looking for. You deserve it. You always have.
You nearly killed many of us and I know that we are not the same now that you are gone. But I could never be mad at you and never will. I forgive you. Rest in Peace, my friend.


Love Always,

Jamie