Fells Point Becomes Vector for Swine Flu

Like every Halloween in Baltimore, Fells Point was ripe for adventure and this year was no different.

Sure there were costumes galore, people galore, police presence double galore and Yankee fans interspersed throughout the night dressed as a constant reminder that the Yankees suck. Especially when they win.
So what is an avid Yankee hater to do? Why, give them swine flu, of course.
Fear not, wary citizens. It was not the real H1N1 but a replica of the virus spread throughout Fells Point in sticker form.



I had over 300 stickers of the H1N1 virus and passed out nearly all of them on a trail from Hampden to Fells Point.



Once we hit Broadway and Thames and entered the 98Rock tent we were at ground zero for infection. I say “we” because my Suesue was dressed as the flu vaccine. But by the time I got to the party it was too late for a vaccine so she was just there to add an empty promise of relief and a needle in the ass. Both of which were fun to watch.



Balloon Boy got infected. I’m sure many of you will be pleased to hear that. You’re welcome!



Obama’s Health Care Death Panel also became incubators for the H1N1 virus. What better way to speed up the death process than to contract swine flu at your first meeting with the Death Panel. OK, so maybe Republicans were right. This panel IS going to kill a lot of people. Sorry about that.





Even Soap and Scrubbie got a virus to take home and spread to the family. This just goes to show that you can wash your hands all you want. Hell, you can even BE soap and you’re not safe from the virus.



And as a smart virus I even managed to infect the helpful ladies who were selling me drinks all night. What better way to spread the virus then to infect those who will be handling your food and drink? (hey, the flu has been outsmarting you complex humans for years).





Sorry Baltimore but even your two biggest heroes were infected this weekend. As for the rest of the O’s, I have no reason why they were sick all season. I had nothing to do with that.





This girl, however, I couldn’t seem to get rid of. She’ll always be around whenever I’m looking to have a good time. Get outta the way!! Don’t you have anything better to do?!  You ever wonder what's taking so long for the flu vaccine to get out?  Blame this bitch. 

By 2am we had successfully passed out enough swine flu to put this city down for the count.
From notable figures like Albert Einstien and John Lennon to 1/2 of the Ravens defensive line to even inaanimate objects like Soap and Water this town could be the next sight for a flu epidemic.
Hope you have your sick leave built up. 

Happy Halloween! Love, Swine Flu

Swine flu Wishes Everyone a Happy Halloween.

This year I’m going as swine flu for Halloween. Why not? It’s topical. It’s all in the news and it’s scaring America more than any devilish creature from this world or the next.
But what if I really am a human incubator for the dreaded H1N1?
How many people would I come in contact with on an average Halloween night?
How quickly could I spread this agent of terror throughout the land?
Well, lets see.

Tomorrow I will be swine flu and I have 300 viruses on hand to spread.
Actually this virus is a 3x5 sticker of the H1N1 virus. Anyone I come in contact with for more than a few seconds gets a sticker. A handshake gets a sticker.
A hug gets a sticker.
A smooch definitely gets a sticker.
And if I go bobbing for apples at the local elementary school and the whole place gets a sticker.

The possibilities of spreading the virus are endless.
This is one of the joys of being a vector.
So if you’re out on Halloween and you see a sick pig handing out H1N1 you just may get infected.
But there’s no need to panic. My girlfriend will be dressed as the H1N1 vaccine. So just talk to her and you could get the antidote. But probably not. She’s not a people person. She’s just in it for the money.